My son introduced me to Russ Harris' book, The Confidence Gap. I was drawn to it because this past year, while undergoing a lot of change and in pursuing new opportunities, my motto was, "Don't live in fear, don't lead in fear".
In Harris's book, he fills it with practical rules to debunk what society has told us about self-confidence. He begins by introducing the Mindfulness-Acceptance-Commitment Approach (ACT). To be mindful we need to aware of our feelings so we can: diffuse, expand or engage them. We also need to be able to clearly articulate our core values because these will be what motivate and inspire us.
Understanding and living out my values has always been a priority for me. I really appreciate Harris' use of ACT. It is a deliberate approach to action, through the filter of your values, that focuses on awareness, room for emotion, openness and curious.
Here are the 10 rules he shares. I really like #8.
Rules #1- The act of confidence comes first; the feeling of confidence comes later.
5 reasons people lack confidence
1. Excessive expectations
2. Harsh self-judgement
3. Preoccupation with fear
4. Lack of experience
5. Lack of skill
Rule #2- Genuine confidence is not the absence of fear, it is a transformed relationship with fear.
Rule #3- Negative thoughts are normal. Don't fight them diffuse them.
3 steps to diffusion- Notice it, name it and neutralize it
Rule #4- Self-acceptance trumps self-esteem
Rule#5- Hold your values lightly, but pursue them vigorously
Rule #6- True success is living by your values
Rule #7- Don't obsess about the outcome; get passionate about the process.
Rule #8- Don't fight your fear; allow it, befriend it, and channel it.
DARE- Defusion; Acceptance of discomfort; Realistic goals; Embracing values
Rule#9- Failure hurts but if we're willing to learn, it's a wonderful teacher
Rule#10- The key to peak performance is total engagement in the task.
Harris, R. (2011). The Confidence Gap. London: Constable & Robinson.
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